The Three Most Important Tools in the [Insert Role Here] Toolbox

What does it take to be a great employee, partner or caregiver? It might surprise you that these three roles, although drastically different from each other in size and scope, require the same condition for success: Interpersonal Learning.

As a young man I dreamed of one day being in a position of power and influence. I naively posited that I would make a great contribution to the world by gaining and exerting (positional) leadership authority – guiding others toward an idea of a common good that I created from my own sophomoric understanding of the way the world works. As I age, although I still remain far from enlightened, I feel that a much more appropriate use of my time is in the development of meaningful relationships. While I still have an impact on the lives of others, I spend a far greater portion of my energy listening deeply to the unique sagas of those I interact with, rather than doling out advice and timeless wisdom. I learn from every person that I come in contact with, and by becoming a collector or the tales of others, I am invited, even for a moment, to see life through the unique lens of another person. I have always considered myself a student of the human condition, and the more that I expose myself to the stories of those around me, the more I lift the veil of ignorance, exposing the realization that I have more to learn than I had previously considered. As I continue to practice being a good person (yes, this is a practice), and attempt to create positive change in the world around me, I have begun to understand that there are three principles that, when practiced correctly, create the necessary conditions for meaningful interpersonal learning to take place. Interpersonal learning that will have a profound impact on who you are, and also your effectiveness in nearly any task or role you undertake. The best thing about these three suggestions is that they require absolutely no talent, and they can be implemented immediately in nearly every situation.

1) Forget What You Were About to Say

One thing that scares most people in conversation is the dreaded loss of words that may lead to an awkward silence. The process of searching for a filler topic or question to prevent this silence actually causes our attention to drift off, disengaging us from the interpersonal interaction. What we fail to consider, is that each moment that we spend thinking about what we plan on saying next, rather than listening to the person that we are interacting with, is wasted time in a conversation. As any parent in the world might tell you, silence is a gift, so why do we fear it when we are engaged in conversation or speaking publicly? We have long filled silence with noise, as we errantly perceive silence to be hollow and devoid of intelligence or competence. We consider silence to be a killer of quality conversations, however, silence is actually fuel that can turn a surface-level conversation into a deep and meaningful interaction. We need to grow more comfortable with silence, and even practice silence as an intentional part of our interpersonal interactions. In my training as a counselor, I witnessed the power that silence has in creating the necessary space for therapeutic relationships. I learned to pause to invite silence into conversations. I began to appreciate the sound of nothing being said at all, and so too did the clients that I worked with. When we stop using crutches, like surface-level banter, we create the opportunity for real work to be done.

2) Give 100% to Every Interaction

This is possibly the most challenging of all of these success principles. Let’s face it, we have a lot going on in our day-to-day lives, and even the thought of communicating with someone about their needs might sound exhausting. How can we possibly give of ourselves, when we are exhausted or frustrated with our job or other elements of our lives? It’s simple – listen first. Before you begin the costly act of intuiting what those around you need, spend a little more time just listening to what they ask for. Working in Higher Education, I began training this principle by treating every interaction as if it could possibly be the beginning of a million-dollar-donor relationship. While this hypothesized relationship may or may not have ever come to fruition, I found that by approaching everyone as if they have the capacity to alter your life in some way, you tend to make honest space for them in your life. This authentic space is a necessary and sufficient condition for you to be able to learn from the person that you are interacting with.

People are often intentional with whom they share their most sensitive information, and from whom they seek help or assistance. Sadly, people tend not to verbally cry out for help when they truly need help, or ask for what they really want. We are conditioned to minimize any semblance of neediness, and we are socialized to feel selfish if we take up too much of another person’s time. We learn to follow unwritten rules of engagement in every relationship, and in every interaction. While this efficiency basis for communication may train us to reach conclusions and make points faster, it doesn’t leave space for deep interactions that need just a little more time to cultivate. If you are constantly rushing interactions to get to the next one, you risk missing out on several opportunities.

3) Humble Yourself

There is a shared trait among the most successful leaders and highly-regarded people. To truly reach the untapped potential in those around you, you must first demonstrate comfort with your own fallibility, humility and openness. You will never truly appreciate the acts of another person, if you believe that they are not important or necessary. As people, we cannot be perfect and authentic. We cannot be all-knowing and collaborative. We cannot be the source of all wisdom and be a learner. One of the most effective leadership qualities is vulnerability, not only because we need to visualize leadership as attainable to everyone, but also because invulnerability is a non-permeable boundary that will completely restrict the flow of knowledge and information. When we perceive that our skills or talents are not going to be appreciated by others, we will reserve them for times or spaces that will honor them. Why waste the best of ourselves on people or situations that don’t deserve the best of us?

The presence of humility is simply a demonstration of the willingness to learn. The sooner that we adopt this mindset, the sooner we will be able to be genuine and collaborative. By becoming genuine and collaborative, we will be able to reach new depths in our relationships, and new levels of effectiveness in our interpersonal interactions. To be fully effective in the presence of others, it’s so important to take time and demonstrate, through action, that you are dedicated to the process of interacting with them.

This is NOT an exhaustive list... I would love to learn from you, and hear your thoughts about these, or other suggestions that you have for success!